Being single can be a difficult, yet exciting season of life. Many young people become restless in waiting for their life’s mate. Our culture adds pressure to date and get married by a certain age. I want to challenge you to commit to following some Bible principles in preparation for being a Godly spouse, if that is God’s will for you.
Please consider the following ten guidelines for laying a foundation for a great marriage. At the end, find out how you can get a link to my free audio book Keep Thyself Pure narrated by my dad!
1. Serve the Lord passionately.
Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord; Romans 12:11
Be passionate about God above everyone else. Establish Godly habits while you are young. Read, study, and memorize Scripture. Write out God’s Word, pray, witness, give, and be faithful in serving at your local church. You will be attracted to someone who is like you. Don’t expect your future mate to be who you are not willing to become. Focus your attention on spiritual things.
2. Do not invite temptation.
Neither give place to the devil. Ephesians 4:27
Avoid areas of temptation such as physical contact: keep your hands off each other! As the old story goes, a man was going to drive a car on a dangerous mountain road. The owner of the car asked how close he could safely drive the vehicle near the edge of the road. The wise young man replied, “I don’t know. I stay as far away from the edge as possible!”
Don’t play with temptation. Your flesh is weaker than you know! I remember a boyfriend my sister-in-law had one time. He was a nice young man, but started to put pressure on her to start holding hands with him. She had desired to have a “hands off relationship” until she got married. So when her boyfriend said, “If you love me, you will hold my hand,” she responded, “If you really love me, you will respect me and honor my desire to wait until we get married to have a physical relationship.” She broke off that relationship and a few years later God blessed her with a wonderful gentleman who honored God and her. They are happily married to this day. Laying a foundation for a great marriage requires respect.
3. Treat others as your brother or sister.
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:1,2
This is one of the most practical principles to apply for young men serious about keeping themselves pure. How should you treat ladies? Treat the older women with honor, as you would treat your own mother. Treat the younger women like your own sister. And how do you do that? The Bible says, “…with all purity.” Respect and care for their wellbeing; don’t seek for them to please your fleshly lusts. I have four sisters. Not once did I want to hold their hand or kiss them! In fact, on occasion when we would fight, my parents would tell me to say “sorry” and give them a hug. That was torture! As I got older, my love for them was demonstrated by wanting to protect them from harm. This is the pure and proper way men are to treat ladies.
4. Keep a pure and blameless reputation.
Abstain from all appearance of evil. I Thessalonians 5:22
Do not be alone, thus creating questionable situations. Spend time with groups of friends. When my wife and I were courting, we would spend time visiting with each other. Because we lived in different towns, we travelled a lot. If we ever rode in the same car, we made sure there was always a third person to be our chaperone. I decided that I would never sleep in the same house as her. A couple times, Jamie stayed the night at our house as we had a lot of work to do preparing for our wedding. One of those times I slept in the car. Another time I went to the church building to sleep. It was very important that we kept a blameless testimony. Purity is important for laying a foundation for a great marriage.
I love the story of Daniel. He was a young man taken captive by an idolatrous kingdom, he was put in a very compromising position. He was told to eat the king’s meat and drink his wine. This was contrary to the Jewish law. The Bible says that Daniel “purposed in his heart not to defile himself.” God honored his commitment to purity and his example was followed by his three friends when they were commanded to bow to the idol King Nebuchadnezzar had set up. Don’t compromise! A good reputation is priceless. Proverbs 22:1 says, A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold.
5. Flee and follow.
Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart. II Timothy 2:22
Throughout the Bible, God gives us examples to accompany His commands. He tells us both what not to do and how we should live. We know that we must flee from lusts. There are some battles we cannot fight and win. We can’t fight the fleshly temptation of lusts; we must flee as fast and as far as possible. But we also must run in the right direction. This means there are some Godly people that are in our life that will guide us in the way of righteousness, faith, charity, and peace. Find those people and follow!
Don’t chafe when someone warns you about another person. Don’t get angry when a Godly person points out a bad habit or your wrong behavior. This is especially true when it comes to modest dress. Girls, keep your body covered up, and young men, keep your eyes and heart from evil.
Who is your Godly mentor?
It is not just the temptation you are avoiding as you flee youthful lusts, but what you are pursuing as you follow the example of the righteous. What Godly examples can you follow? Your mind needs to be preoccupied with good reading material of Godly men and women. A book that really helped me while in college was Shadow of the Almighty about Jim Elliot. He took every opportunity to develop his mind and heart to be a useful servant of Jesus Christ before he got married.
6. Know what direction you are headed.
Can two walk together, except they be agreed? Amos 3:3
As you live in God’s will, He will direct your path to intersect with the path of the mate He has for you. I liken it to a triangle. God is at the top, you are down on one corner, and your future spouse is in the third corner. As long as you are looking for your spouse, you will be discontent and confused. But if you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and abiding in His Word, you will draw nearer to him. In His time and in His way, God will draw your future mate to himself and, as a result, bring your paths together.
Consider the following questions:
Young man, if you were to get married this year, do you know how you would you support and lead your wife? Do you have an honest job and an adequate income? No godly woman is praying for a lazy husband that SHE can support financially! Be a hard worker: learn a trade. Have initiative and be a Godly leader now. Increase your knowledge in profitable subjects and develop skills that will benefit your future.
Young lady, suppose your wedding is in a few months. You have a lot of details to prepare for the perfect wedding. But are you ready to be a keeper of the house? Have you learned to submit to authority? Do you know how to cook a meal, budget money, or sew clothes? Be diligent in your business and be a Godly servant now.
7. Give your heart to the proper people.
My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways. Proverbs 23:26
Everything we think, do, and say begins in our heart. The inner man will determine what the outer man does. Your heart is invaluable! Give your heart now to those who deserve it: God, your parents, and your spouse! Your parents should be your closest counselors, as they care for your soul!
This is especially important for young girls. Girls need security. They should be able to trust their father. I remember hearing Dr. S.M. Davis preaching about this topic. He said that one day his two daughters gave him a wrapped present. He opened it and there was a tie chain with two keys attached. They asked him if he knew what the keys represented. He was clueless and replied, “Are they the keys of the kingdom?” They said, “Dad, these are the keys to our heart!” Until they got married, they would trust the most important decisions to their father’s oversight and leadership. They would not get involved in a relationship without their dad’s approval and counsel.
Give your heart to the right person
The marriage of Isaac and Rebekah is one of the most beautiful love stories recorded in the Bible. Isaac trusted his father Abraham as he sent his servant to get a wife for him. More importantly, he trusted God in the timing of bringing him his wife. God orchestrated the circumstances perfectly. We must trust the Lord and Godly leadership to provide proper guidance in the area of marriage, this will help lay a foundation for a great marriage.
8. Don’t defraud others.
That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. I Thessalonians 4:6,7
The word defraud means to take advantage. Be friendly with honest intentions, but refrain from flirting. Many young men have taken advantage of the feelings of a young lady. Saying sweet words, wooing her and winning her heart, just for his own gain. Selfishness and ungodly lust is behind this action, not holiness and purity. God calls us to be honest and clean. Make sure you have right intentions before getting involved in a relationship: this will enable you to lay a foundation for a great marriage.
Strong relationships are built on commitment
Before I told Jamie that I was interested in her as more than a friend, I wanted be sure that our relationship was leading to marriage. Commitment was necessary. We were getting to be close friends and I knew our friendship was getting serious. At the school she was teaching, they were going to have a Valentine’s banquet. She felt awkward about inviting me, so she asked her dad what to do. With the blessing of her father, she asked me if I wanted to go with her. I hesitated to answer and said I would think about it. Though it was hard for her to have to wait for my answer, it was important that I not lead her to believe that I was interested without making a long-term commitment to our relationship.
That week I got counsel from God’s Word and my dad. It was important to me to know for sure that I was going to marry Jamie before taking her to a Valentine’s Banquet. A week later, I gave her my answer “Yes.” I did not want to play with her emotions and act interested without making the sacrifice to follow through.
In fact, the night of the Valentine’s banquet I secretly met with Jamie’s father at a park near her house before seeing her. I told her dad of my intentions and that I liked his daughter. I really believed God was leading us to a serious relationship leading to marriage! He gave me his blessing to begin a courtship with her. That night after the banquet, I shared with Jamie the conversation with her father and told her my true feelings…that I liked her and wanted to start a courtship with the intention of marriage.
9. Guard your heart as God’s property.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
You must guard and protect your thoughts and desires. Satan wants to steal your purity, kill your future marriage, and destroy your reputation. You will have to determine to fight to keep your mind and body pure. Guard your testimony. Protect your heart diligently.
Avoid the worldly practice of dating. This is the close relationship of two people who may or may not be serious about a committed relationship. It is so easy to get emotionally attached to another person. Beware of giving your heart to someone before it is time. If in doubt, talk with your parents or pastor about any prospective candidates before getting emotionally attached. It would be a wise exercise to talk about the characteristics that you should look for in a life’s mate. Until you are ready to be married, don’t single another person out, just be friends with everyone. This is great way to lay a foundation for a great marriage.
Some wise counsel
My dad would say, “Don’t tell a girl you love her unless you have a wedding ring to put on her finger.” This was helpful advice which I heeded. In fact, it was at the time of our engagement while on a canoe trip, I surprised Jamie. We took a break, got out of the boat, and went on a little walk. I knelt down and drew a heart in the sand. I looked up at her and said the three most special words for the first time, “I love you”. Then I took out an engagement ring I was carrying in my pocket and asked her to marry me. Thankfully, she said “Yes!”
10. Be equally yoked.
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? II Corinthians 6:14
Notice the words “yoked together, fellowship, and communion.” Marriage is companionship for the rest of your life! You do not want to live with regrets. I remember my dad preaching, “If a Christian marries an unbeliever, then the devil will become his father-in-law!” This would not lay a foundation for a great marriage!
The person you marry should be going the same direction and share the same beliefs as you. As Jamie and I prepared for our life together, we talked a lot about God and His Word. We read the Bible together, memorized Scripture, and visited each other’s churches. We witnessed to the lost, went to special conferences and meetings together. If you cannot do spiritual activities together, you will not be equally yoked. Two oxen must be of similar size and strength if they are to walk side by side plowing a field.
An unequal yoke will cause frustration and lead to exhaustion in any relationship.
Don’t settle to marry someone who is not going to be an equal yoke in the area of godliness. Pray for a spouse who will challenge you to become more Godly. You must lay a foundation for a great marriage intentionally. Check out the last post about finding joy in being single. In my next post, I will address those who have been hurt in bad relationships or who have made bad decisions in the past. I assure you, there is hope and healing found in Jesus Christ!
By Luke Knickerbocker, Author of Keep Thyself Pure and Worth the Wait.
The previous article is from my book Keep Thyself Pure. You may obtain your own copy for $8 or bulk orders of 10 or more for $6 each plus shipping costs. Also, my dad Thomas Knickerbocker narrated the book and it is available in an audio format. You may email him at [email protected] to order the three-CD set. Below are a couple testimonials about the book by my dad and Dr. Scott Pauley.
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